10 Signs of Internalized hom*ophobia and Gaslighting (2024)

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“Humans don’t like injustice, and when they cannot easily fix it, they often engage in mental gymnastics to make the injustice more palatable. Blaming victims for their suffering is a classic example.” —Dr. Grainne Fitzsimons, Dr. Aaron Kay, Jae Yun Kim

“The worst hom*ophobes are simply at war with their own secret internal nature.” —Dr. Scott Lankford

When I was studying in college many years ago, I knew a fellow student who went out of his way to show himself as an “exaggerated hetero-masculine alpha male”: He womanized, rode a motorcycle, and acted as an all-around “tough guy." I learned later that he was secretly questioning and struggling with his sexual orientation.

Internalized hom*ophobia can be defined as the tendency of some lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ) individuals to regularly invalidate, marginalize, and/or oppress their own or other LGBTQ members’ sexual orientation, sexual identity, self-worth, individual expressions, and human rights.

Often, those with degrees of internalized hom*ophobia are consciously or unconsciously socialized into believing that members of the LGBTQ community are “abnormal”, “shameful”, “undesirable” and “unacceptable”, and should be regarded with disdain (self-rejection) and contempt (self-loathing).

It is important to emphasize that internalized hom*ophobia typically occurs in the context of a hetero-centric society that often stigmatizes, denigrates, and condemns LGBTQs. It is also significant to note that while some people with internalized hom*ophobia are “out of the closet” and openly dealing their own sexual orientation/sexual identity issues, many others are still “in the closet” (to themselves and/or to others) and secretly struggling. Many closet LGBTQ individuals grew-up in traditional, conservative environments where “anti-gay bias” and “gay bashing” are the norm in family, social, educational, religious, media, social media, and political environments. To cope with and compensate (overcompensate) for their inner conflict, some closet LGBTQ individuals may openly reject and even lash out at the very sexual orientation/identity group they secretly belong in order to gain acceptance, suppress inner turmoil, and deny their true selves. It is a classic example of gaslighting, where a perpetrator (in this case a hetero-centric, hom*ophobic society) convinces the victim that she/he/they are much less important and worthy than who they truly are. The victim in turn gaslights oneself and often other LGBTQs. Internalized hom*ophobia is a form of social and psychological brainwashing.

What are some of the most common signs of internalized hom*ophobia? Following are 10 characteristics, with references from my books: Are You Highly Sensitive? How to Gain Immunity, Peace, and Self-Mastery! and How to Communicate Effectively and Handle Difficult People. While some LGBTQ individuals may occasionally dabble in the following behaviors, which might not be a serious issue, someone with strong internalized hom*ophobia will routinely engage in one or more of the pathologies (dysfunctions) below, while remaining largely unaware of (or unconcerned with) the tangible and psychological damage done to oneself and others.

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1. Denying one’s own sexual orientation and sexual identity, either to oneself and/or to others, even though one’s thoughts, emotions, and natural instincts indicate otherwise.

2. Conforming to the dominant heterosexual culture while suppressing one’s own individual expressions. Feeling the need to constantly monitor oneself to “act straight” and avoid being “exposed”. May suffer stress, anxiety, depression, OCD, PTSD, or other mental health issues due to the fear and consequences of being “outed."

3. Avoiding and disassociating oneself from other LGBTQ individuals, especially in the presence of heterosexual company. Privately and often secretly, however, one may stay connected with LGBTQs.